It kind of creeps up on you. One minute you're driving and the next you're turning into a convenience store because you want to buy chips and dip.
Only it doesn't really creep up on you because you haven't been able to get the thought of devouring a full bag of chips with a jar of dip out of your head since yesterday. And before you know it you're parking your car and getting out of it. For a split second you think to yourself, "Wait, what just happened? How did I end up here?" But, you stop anyway. You park the car and get out of it regardless of that "what just happened" thought.
And you go in the store and try to stall by looking at the paperback books. But you could give a shit about those plot lines. You're trying your damnedest to avoid the inevitable one that lays before you. The one that leads to the binge and the purge.
You leave the books and go into the chip aisle all the while trying to come up with some excuse as to why you deserve those chips. Why you need that reward. I walked for an hour and a half. I didn't overeat all day. There is no harm in this. You reach the chips you want and look at the nutrition contents. HA! Nutrition in chips. As if. You're mentally calculating in your head what is doable as if you plan on sticking with the serving size. As if you think you can keep control and not just keep going back for more until you're wiping the inside of the jar with your finger and practically licking the crumbs from the inside of the chip bag.
Somehow, the power to be good is overtaking the need to eat these chips and then throw it up. I am slowly beginning to see that the purge is not something to be proud of. I remind myself of the last time this happened. I remind myself that I hardly slept that night for fear that I hadn't purged all I could. For now, this was enough to jolt me back down to reality.
I left the chip aisle empty handed. I walked over to the soda and grabbed myself a diet pepsi figuring that this would quell the salty/sweet craving that has taken over a very large space in my brain. I pay and leave. I eat one skittle slowly dissolving it in my mouth to make it last longer. This is my reward for not giving in to the temptation.
I look at my reflection in the store window as I leave and mentally congratulate myself for being strong. I take a congratulatory sip of diet pepsi and breathe easy knowing that I don't give myself the opportunity to hate myself a little more tonight.
Tonight I can sleep easy knowing that I've managed another day.
