I have to stop being delusional. I think this is part of the reason why I keep repeating the same mistakes. I'm running out of bandaids ... I need stitches.
Lately I've been doing well with the weight loss thing, but this wasn't a particularly great weekend. I beat myself up too much and then to retaliate, I eat when I'm not hungry. I have been craving chips for a few days now, but I haven't given in enough to buy them. Instead, I've been eating anything resembling a carb for the past few days.
But, then I throw it up. It's my bandaid. It's like I'm clearing my slate by clearing my insides. It's horrible and disgusting and I hate myself before, during and after it. I contemplate it and contemplate it. And then I sit on the edge of my tub staring at my toilet for sometimes a full hour. And then I do it. Or I don't. Depending on how much I hate myself in that particular moment.
Right now I'm contemplating. I know I shouldn't. I know that it is just ruining anything I hope to achieve. I know it's the exact opposite of the healthy lifestyle I am trying to attain. But something inside me always thinks that it's going to help.
Fifteen years after the first time I did this and I still don't realize that it has never helped, nor will it.
