Unsure

Nothing makes me feel more old than when I contact an old friend I fell out of touch with and find out that he's now a husband AND father.

And here I am, still clippety-clapping away at this keyboard on this here blog feeling like nothing has really changed much on my end.

I know that the two are mutually exclusive, and I wouldn't give up the blog if I became a wife or mother, but it just feels weird. The last time I spoke to him, I was blogging on my first blog 3 years ago. And now, he's married with a kid. And I've given birth to this new blog.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I knew him when he was in his early twenties and I just never could see him in the capacity that he's in now. I mean husband and father comes with lots of responsibilities and while I'm not saying he's not a responsible guy ... I just never pictured it. And I hate to say it, but things didn't change much three years ago, which is probably why it had been so long since I decided to contact him again.

Or maybe, I just never pictured him married with a kid before me.

As happy as I am for him, my initial thought was, "NOOOOOOO!!! You're only 30!! How could you have tied yourself down so soon!!?!?!?!"

Which is fucked up because a lot of people think, "30!!?!?!?! HOW ARE YOU NOT MARRIED WITH A KID!?!?!"

But who is right? Am I a failure because I'm nowhere close to where he is at? Will I be a failure if I never get to where he is at? These are the things I think about. I say I would like for that to happen to me, but my actions are not in line with those thoughts. And it's not that I'm miserable because of it, but sometimes I have to wonder what it is I'm actually moving towards.

Right now, my main goal is wondering what to have for lunch. I'm not thinking of anyone else. And when I think of this old friend, and I wonder what he's thinking of now, he's probably wondering about his son and if he's sleeping or eating or how many shits he's had today. Which, as gross as it is, seems like some pretty good thought bubbles to have following you around.

Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself as I usually am when I think that I am moving forward but then feel like I've been standing still when I see how light years ahead some people are compared to me.