Habit

Sometimes I think of how easy things could be if I just settled.

You know, settled. For a life less than extraordinary. A life where everything was the same and nothing ever changed.

I'm holding out for something, but I don't know what. I feel like I'm just waiting. Just waiting. For something.

I look around me and I see my life. The un-extraordinary life. The one I'm so desperately trying to avoid. I could see exactly what my life would be like if I settled tomorrow. The monotonous routine. It's funny that I should be so scared of it because at least I would be in a routine with someone. At least I wouldn't be by myself, because, let's face it ... it's not like my life is out of the ordinary as it is. Not like I'm jumping through rings of fire or fighting off lions. Not at all.

But ... I could. I'm not doing it, but I could.

Whereas if I settled ... I couldn't because then I'd have someone else to think about. Maybe a mini-me to think about too. And while that's not the worst thing in the world, I still feel like I'm far too selfish for that. I still feel like a mini-me most days.

So, my life would be easier, but it would also be the same. A different kind of same than it is now. Because at least now if I wanted to leave at the drop of a hat, I'd have no one to answer to.

And I guess it's the answering to part that kind of scares me a little.