Somebody Save Me

When I broke up with my ex, I didn't know what to do with myself. It's hard to come into a new routine that doesn't include someone who was such a constant in my life. Thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure I did a whole lot of nothing. I was just there.

But soon after, I needed a distraction from all the voices in my head (well, it was one voice -- mine).

That was the year that I discovered television all over again. I immersed myself in sitcoms. Watching fake lives made it easier to forget about my own. It was at this time that I really got into Smallville. Yes, Tom Welling had a little something to do with it (just try and deny the fact that he's to die for), but thinking back on it now, I'm sure I can find some sort of psychology behind it.

I fell for a series based on a super hero. Hmm. Perhaps I was looking to be saved? Looking for a super hero ... somebody save me. Such an appropriate theme song.

I don't watch that show anymore. I mean, Tom was great, but it couldn't last. Silly me didn't realize that I couldn't be saved by anyone other than myself. I had to wear the fucking cape and tightie underwear. For the longest time I let myself down. I guess I didn't trust that I could do it ... that I was more than capable. I kept looking for other super heroes. Food. Cigarettes. Porn. All big fails.

And the guys I dated never lasted. Well, how could it? My head space was still so cloudy ... as if someone else could clear that up. And trust me, I tried. Tried my fucking hardest. It never worked out. It always collapsed ... me right there with the rubble. I was not in a place where having a relationship was an option. There was no point to it, really. Yeah, I suppose sex could have been a good reason for it, but I'm not that desperate for it. I have my morals still ... sleeping around doesn't cut it for me. I'd rather be celibate. And I don't care how that makes me look or sound. There is no judgment in that statement. I'm simply stating a fact that is true to me.

I put myself in a position of do or die. Exist or live. For a long time, I chose die. Exist. Just be.

But I know better now. I know that my life is my life. No one can make it worth something. Well, no one but me. So it is.