I Yell Because I Care

I wouldn't change what I do for anything in the world. But sometimes ...

I wish I could go to work and hide behind a computer screen all day long while playing in my virtual park.

I wish I didn't have to interact with people all day long. I wish my every move wasn't studied or analyzed. Or my every look.

"Miss, you look annoyed."

"Miss, you have bags under your eyes ... are you getting enough sleep?"

"Ha, ha! Look at the face she's making! It's funny when her face is red and her veins are so poppy you can use it as a road map!"

But this is the thing with my job. I am on. Always on. I need to wipe my sleeves clean of my emotions when I enter my classroom. I need to put on a smile. I need to pretend that I just woke up from a good night's sleep. I need to pretend that I've got all the energy in the world. I need to mask my frustrations and pretend that I'm the most patient person in the world -- even when I'm being lured into circular arguments via my students. I need to remember that they are only 13/14 and that their reasoning skills are still a little bit (read: a lot) disabled.

I think what I really need to do is remember I am human and not a robot. No matter how cool that would be.

I am human. Some days I am the poster child for patience. Other days, I lose it.

Case in point?

A student who decided not to answer questions for Science that was assigned about TWO WEEKS AGO (note to self: pick up the pace on the Science curriculum).

"Why didn't you do your homework?"

Student looking annoyed that I would even ask such a question tells me, "Because."

Oh, how I love that one word answer. It just puts all of my inquiries to rest as soon as it is uttered.

"BECAUSE WHAT?! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND? BECAUSE YOU FORGOT? WHY!?!?!"

At this point the Advocate of Bad Behaviour in my class piped up and asked, "Miss, why do you have to embarrass her in front of the whole class?"

"BECAUSE sometimes people need to be put on the spot and be embarrassed if it means they will change their behaviour! Especially since this is nothing new with [student's name]."

Amazingly enough, that shut her up pretty quick. I say amazingly because Advocate of Bad Behaviour is known for being the energy that starts up the vortex of circular arguments.

Since I hate making loud noises without any explanations other than I can yell really really loud and you have to sit there and listen because I'm the teacher, after my horns receded back into my brain, I spent the next 10 minutes explaining to the entire class why they need to get their heads out of their asses and, in the very least, do their homework. Half the battle, people. "Because" isn't going to cut it in high school. You fail, you do over. I don't think that concept has hit them fully.

Oh well. Sometimes you need to hit rock-bottom ... you have no choice but to keep falling, until splat!, there is nowhere left to go but back up. And I know that there are students in my class that are spiraling down right now. I say what I need to say and I do what I need to do. But I need to remember that, essentially, it is up to them. It's just frustrating when I see kids who don't at least put in the effort.

Now I know where the frustration of my parents came from. But I will never tell them that.