Gone, Baby, Gone

I go through phases. It's said that old habits die hard, and I know this first hand. Although I'd like to think that it's bad habits die hard. Ever notice how habits are associated with something wrong and never something right?

Waking up and taking a shower first thing in the morning isn't a habit, but rather a routine. Going to the gym? A routine. Biting your nails? A (bad) habit. Smoking a cigarette with your coffee? A routine? No ... a habit, of course.

I think what I have is not really a habit, definitely not a routine ... but more of an entity that rears its ugly head every blue moon. Is the moon blue tonight? Azure-ish? A little bit ...

Sometimes I throw up. And not in an oh-I-have-a-stomach-flu kinda way but more like a food-is-not-welcome-in-my-tummy mentality. It's not the best quality about me, but I can say with all honesty that it is something that I try and suppress with all my might. But sometimes, my might isn't strong enough and today would be one of those times.

It's not even something that I can reason with. It's just like a split second decision. I decide that it's what I'll do and then I'll do it. But not before I give myself a green light to eat more. I've had this (as though it were a special gift given to me) since I was in high school. I can even remember still like it was yesterday the first time it happened.

So what brought on the need today? Honestly ... at work I had a granola bar, coffee, chili, and a chicken wrap. And I felt like I ate too much. So I drank as much water as I could so that the food would be easier to come up. And I threw up at work. But not enough.

So I came home and had dinner. Chicken. Potatoes. Bread. Cheese. A bowl of Fibre 1 cereal. Granola bar. More water. Because I knew I could. Because I knew it would be gone.

To me this was a day of food a plenty. And I know ... I know it's not much. I know this because I've read up on my condition and to see the amounts of food that is consumed ... I get sick just thinking about it.

So although it wasn't a lot, it was enough to make me think I didn't want to have it in my body anymore. And when I put it in my head (and it stays there for a long time) then the follow through is pretty much a given. I'm usually pretty good at talking myself out of it. But today not so much.

I'm not feeling well today. When I'm sick, my defenses go down. Maybe that's my blue moon. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense. I feel so high right now. And I'm not one who does drugs for sport. I should just stop this post right now.