Waste [weyst] :
- to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail: to waste words.
- to destroy or consume gradually; wear away: His insensitive nature cut through to her soul, wasting the love that filled her heart.
- to devastate or ruin: A lifetime wasted by a selfish person who didn't want to let go.
Looking back on my life, I'd like to say that I have no regrets. I'd like to say that the things I've done and mistakes I've made have all led me to where I am now.
But where am I?
Nothing is clear for me. All I see is this dirt road where I'm surrounded by dust clouds; barely able to see a few feet ahead of me. But when I look back, all of my paths and divergences and yield signs, which I've forcefully and knowingly ignored, are there in plain sight for me to see. A constant reminder of the "what if's" in my life. And I'd like to say that those veers in the road were meant to happen and that I have no regrets ...
But honestly, when I look back, all I can think are regrets. And regrets isn't a nice place. It's run down, with littered streets and boarded up windows belonging to worn out homes where people are peering at you with their blood shot eyes through a broken window. And yes, in my head, regrets is a place where really bad Hollywood gangster movie sets go to die.
Today marks an anniversary of sorts. Today would've made 12 years with a certain person. This was the year that my ultimatum would've run out if we were still together and in the same predicament. But I'm not celebrating those times. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm not in the same place. That I am fine where I am. That I could not imagine still being there. That it wouldn't have even been an option. And I can say, in all honesty and with a straight face, that I am finally, finally, fine. I'm more than fine, in fact.
I can't help but think though ... the time and energy that was spent? A waste. And I say that with no hesitation. It didn't teach me a damn thing. All it did was make me the person I am today. Someone who isn't so much bitter as she is neutral. And neutral is probably the worst thing to be because it's the feeling that lends the most comfort. It's the place that is the safest. There is nothing to risk. No ledge to jump from. No getting hurt.
So, where does that leave me? Alone and happy? Alone and okay? Alone and could be better?
Alone and ... what?
