Lost

Today I clicked on my blog URL (as I tend to do), and I got one of those non-sensical sites that talk about debt consolidation but have the words "journey" interspersed in it.

Of course, my heart sunk. Where the hell was my blog?! All those years ... all those words ... gone? Only to be replaced by a photo of some model who seems only too happy to be placed in an ad that serves as the gravesite for blogs lost?

Turns out, my domain had expired and I ignored the email which informed me that its time was nearly up. Thankfully, I was able to take immediate action (pay for another year) and feverishly kept on clicking the refresh tab until the girl on the couch showed up again.

It was weird timing. Tonight I've been missing things (I know, I know very general statement) and just feeling the sting of loss. You see, I did the stupid thing of searching for ghosts of boyfriends past on Facebook only to find that the one ex I didn't think would settle had in fact settled. I'm not even going to go about telling you how I found this wedding photo (hint: he's not actually on Facebook), but there it was staring back at me.

And all I could think was ... really? There is a theme in my life where I am finding that most of the men from my past have settled down, and yet to me it feels like we dated just yesterday (this seems to be a recurring theme of my life as I realized tonight when skimming my posts to make sure the google monster hadn't swallowed any of them up when they so rudely snatched them off the internet).

I don't know. Despite the strides I've made in my professional and adult life (home owner, what?), I just can't help but feel like such a juvenile when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.

I suppose that if there is one thing that is apparent in my life, it's that I value the almighty baby step. Learning to trust the timing of things has proven to be difficult. But what this last year has taught me is that it is worth the wait ... and when you have it, you can't remember a time where you didn't.

And I guess that's something to look forward to.

And now I press "publish" with the confidence that you will read this and not be be linked to solutions on how to fix your debt.

One issue at a time, people.

I Want To

Sometimes I have this urge to just reach out and touch you. And not in a pervy way either.

Like I just want to be able to touch your cheek. Or feel your forehead when you say you're feeling warm. Or just run my fingers through your hair. It feels so natural that I actually need to stop myself from making a fool of me. Because that's what would happen if I acted on instinct.

It's my instinct. It's natural.

But there is this invisible veil in between us that physically blocks me from being able to just act out my natural instinct with you. To just touch you and love you and tell you what you mean to me and what you do to me without feeling like it's wrong.

I don't know.

I just hope this veil becomes so invisible that not even I see it anymore and I just ...

Thank You Thank You Thank You

The theme for 2012 that I'm going to focus on is taking chances and repeatedly asking the question "what else is possible?" while being completely grateful for the things in my life and the place where I'm at.

But, seriously ...

What grand, glorious and magical adventures are in store for me in 2012???

Fa La La La La La La La La

Tonight is the night I remember all of the things that make me hate this holiday.

But, it's weird. It's not coming to me. I'm not remembering. Drawing a complete blank.

This can only mean one thing ... it seems as though my feelings are evolving.

This is the night I cry about what could have been or, in my mind, what should have been.

This is the night that I look back on the year and wonder where the hell it went.

But, tonight I'm just here. I'm here ... in the moment. I'm accepting it for what it is ... not what it could be, not what it should be. Because what it could be and what it should be is what it is. Exactly as it is now.

I'm starting to like the place that I'm in. And I know that though the momentum is completely invisible to the naked eye, I am moving.

I'm moving and I like it.

Open

For as long as I can remember, I have always been more concerned with how you wanted me to be than with how I wanted me to be.

And not just you. You. And you. And the you behind the other you.

You you you you you.

Criticism.

Instead of serving as motivation, wound up serving as another helping of whatever I could use to numb the negative self-talk that would just twirl inside around my head like a merry-go-round. Minus the fun and the laughter and the feeling of flying.

Ashamed.

Feeling that no matter what I did, you would always find a fault somewhere. This never ending checklist of things I felt I had to do to feel worthy in your eyes. The items that would suddenly make an appearance without warning ... acting as if they'd always been there. As if they belonged.

Time.

What it takes to finally realize that I'm not the one with the problem.

I'm not the problem.

What it takes to realize that I call the shots. I've always called the shots even when you made me believe I had no other choice.

Mad.

That I gave you permission to make me feel small. I let you do that. I gave you the upper-hand. I was always in control. I let you.

No more.

Done. No more.

FINITO.

Things Making Me Laugh Right Now

Taking the Road Less Traveled.

I'm putting dishes away.

I'm organizing my book shelves.

I'm putting on my bed freshly laundered sheets.

I'm fluffing the pillows on my new comfy-cozy couch.

Fresh flowers will grace the centre of the table.

That picture frame will be moved just a touch to the right.

What might seem like boring and mundane chores to you are just the things that excite me right now. There is nothing more gratifying than finally, after all these years, being able to do all those things in the place that you can call home. The place that you bought. The place that is yours.

I can honestly say that I've finally come home.

Treading Through The Chaos

Today should have been one of the most exciting days of my life.

Instead, I allowed someone to get under my skin and make a home there.

I'm not pissed about what happened. I'm not pissed that this person attempted to screw with me ... I'm upset that I let it stay with me for as long as I have and am. The day is nearly done, yet I still feel the weight of his words and actions upon me.

I'm not okay with this. I'm a strong person. I don't let people's beliefs about me (especially questionable people such as the one I had to deal with) define who I am. I know that I do my best with what I have and with where I am.

Today just knocked me off my rocker a little. I've been trying to occupy my head with positive thoughts. Been trying to think about all the good that's been coming into my life. Trying to just acknowledge this feeling of dis-ease so that I can let it go.

But, it lingers.

This blip in my radar just serves as a cold reminder that in life, people are going to think and do what they want no matter how ridiculous or inappropriate it may be. There are just some people out there with priorities that I will never agree with. And there are people who will try to make me feel small to make themselves feel big.

I have no control over that.

I can control one thing and one thing only. Me. My thoughts. My actions. My ability to get through these radar blips unscathed. I don't need anymore scars to remind myself of how strong I am. People will try to cut me ... but they will only succeed if I let them.

Today, I let them.

And my only regret is that I didn't trust in myself enough to let it go. Instead, I let it eat away at my day. I let the more important things take a back seat. I just went through the motions of what was one of the most important days of my life.

I guess I still have a lot of learning and growing to do. I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with a clear head.

I Can't Help It

I imagine us holding hands.

I know how it feels when you kiss me.

The tingles run down my spine as if you were there.

I can sense the silliness bubble up between us when we're in bed.

The nook on your shoulder is quite familiar with the shape of my head.

My lips know what it's like to have secrets pass through them knowing that they're safe.

I think of you and I smile.

I smile at the inevitability of it all.

That these thoughts in my head will soon come to pass.

A Change Is Gonna Come

Things I need to buy:

1) Furniture paint

2) Contact paper

Things I need to do:

1) DIY projects involving above items

2) Dance a happy dance

It still seems so far off, but it's hard to believe that in a few short weeks, I will own property. I will be given a key, not only to my new home, but to my new life.

I will be independent.

I will be responsible.

I will be building forts in my new living room with all the boxes that I will acquire.

I will be a grown-up.