It's Love When (Part 2)

You know it's love when ...

the feelings you have towards them are insanely immense and felt with every fibre of your being even if that love isn't reciprocated.

Their happiness means the world to you. Even if you're not part of it.

It's Love When (Part 1)

Valentine's Day sucks. And I'm not saying this because I'm a cynic who just so happens to be single as well.

I hated it when I was in a relationship too, so this makes my feelings towards this day of commercial worship all the more valid.

But let's not confuse my hate for all things Valentine to mean that I hate all things love.

Love I like. Love is great and awesome and makes my heart all a flutter (or perhaps that's just my heart telling me to lay off the bacon).

So in an effort to be all YAY LOVE, I will write about what I think it means to be in love or to feel love for someone based on the experience that I've had.

So without further adieu ...

You know it's love when ...

you haven't talked to the person in what feels like an eternities eternity only to realize it's just been a few days.

Feeling Hot Hot Hot*

I'm starting this yoga challenge tomorrow.

It's for a full month and I have to go EVERY DAY for a 60 minute hot yoga session.

I've done hot yoga before for 90 minutes and it wasn't fun. You sweat a lot (because it's sweltering) and there are lots of people around you making all these weird breathing noises which are even weirder than regular yoga breathing noises.

I'm kind of looking forward to it. I know that yoga is healthy and all and should help to keep you all zen and stuff and it's kind of what I've been going for in my life -- trying to reach that zen state.

I just hope hope hope I don't fart during my sessions. If I can go a full month of yoga without farting, then I will consider it being a huge success. If I can go a full month of yoga without farting and have visions of Sting dance in my head? Even better.

Namaste, my bitches.

*I sincerely apologize for the cheesy lyrical post title.

Two Roads

I watched a basketball game last night at a big stadium with, like, professional basketball players and stuff.

I went with a very large group. About 150 people large. The thing about sporting events is that I love love LOVE watching them live, but can do without them on the regular. If it's on the tube and someone else is watching, then I won't complain. But I don't go out of my way to watch it on television all by myself.

So, anyways. I'm at this sporting event and the very large group somehow manages to stay together but a lot of the time they are getting up to go pee or get hammered or whatever it is that one does at a sporting event such as this.

This caused a lot of movement. I was in and out of the stadium, but mostly in. I enjoy games and would prefer watching one live than sitting in a bar in a stadium drinking. But since my bladder seems to be working just fine, I had to pee every so often which meant I'd be coming and going too. And though we were assigned seats, it was pretty much assumed that we could sit wherever we wanted. After all, the bar seats had more of a need of being kept warm than the stadium seats were.

There was a large portion of the game where I sat by myself with empty seats all around me because the drunk was happening. I didn't mind. I'm used to being alone. I didn't even think twice about it really. I still interacted with the people around me that I knew ... I just had to interact with them a little louder than usual. And the truth is that I actually watched the game.

At one point in the night I was sitting in between a young couple and an old(er) man.

At first, I didn't really think anything of it. I don't think of much these days. But then something happened that made me kind of look at both my right and left side from out of the corner of my eye (so that the couple wouldn't think I was trying to get my rocks off by watching them and the older man wouldn't think I'd want to get his rocks off) and thought, "Holy shit ... it's like I'm sitting between my two fates."

Scenario One: Find myself in a committed relationship.

Scenario Two: Find myself just as I am, alone and "okay with it" at a much older age.

I don't know. I like being alone now, but I don't know how much I'll like it when I reach that age. And time is funny ... it goes by so fast that you don't even realize you're nearing your mid-thirties (even though you feel like you're in your mid-twenties *cough*).

So it's almost like I was being presented with these two thought paths.

It's almost like the Universe was saying, "Hey, chica. You want to be alone? That's good and all, but if you don't change your thoughts soon, you're heading for alonesville and you'll be stuck there because you won't like to take the risk at not being alone. And look at how cute that couple is? And I know you ... you love being with someone. You love to shower with affection. So, what's it going to be?"

Yeah, the Universe talks to me ... I'm a lucky gal.

I guess I got a lot of thinking to do.

Energy Vampires

You know ... those people or things or situations that suck the ever-living life out of you?

It's how I feel right now. Completely drained. My arms feel like lead pipes. My head continues to sway onto its side. I don't even have the energy to keep it held up. 

You see it coming. You know what's there. But they are good, these vampires. They suck and suck and suck and don't stop until they get the exact reaction they want from out of you and then you have nothing left, nothing at all.

And I can't believe that I only have 9 minutes of lunch left before I have to see my vampire again. 

The only thing getting me through are the students who actually DO CARE (I know, such a novel idea), that I have two and a half hours left of work today and then it's to the gym where I can vent my frustrations on my trainer who I haven't seen in over a week. 

Thinking that I'm leaving on a week long vacation to Cuba in six weeks and that also I can now count on one hand how many months of school are left also helps me get through the days. 

I really do love my job, but what the fuck? I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT!!

Calgon, where are you when I need you most?

Seven Things You Wish You Never Knew About Me

Haven't done one of these for awhile, but the lovely Chris over at From A Whisper To A Scream has asked me to participate in a meme, and Chris is the kind of guy where if he asks you to do something, you do it. Because he is awesome.

I'm up a few hours before I need to be because my lovely cold has decided that it would like for me to keep it company in the wee hours of the morning. That or my Advil has worn off. I should probably take some more.

Anyways, first things first, on with the meme. Oh and thanks, Chris, for the lovely blog award:


And to any and all of you who read my blog, you deserve this award. No seriously. You deserve this award for willingly stopping by at my little place here and reading my ramblings. So take it. Take the award already. DO IT!

And now on to the meme. I need to tell you 7 things about myself that people may find interesting about me. I will try and keep this clean.

1) I have never broken a bone, but secretly wish I had. I think casts are cool.

2) I have all seasons of The Office and have watched them so often that I have a crease on the bed of where I place my body while watching. Also, I think some of the DVD's are starting to become worn. I'm a lonesome idiot, but that cast never fails to make me laugh. Even at the same jokes.

3) I would love to be a teacher part-time and work in the book industry full-time. *COUGH*UNIVERSE*COUGH*

4) I was thisclose to going sky diving in September. But it fell through. I'm hoping that it will happen before the year is up. 11 more months to go.

5) I'm going to Cuba in March (big fat smiley face). I'm hoping to go to Chicago and somewhere in Europe in the summer (keep with the trend of an American city and European country that I seem to have started last summer). I'm a wanderlust but am only now starting to spread my wings. I feel like I should've done this stuff in my twenties and should be settling down now. But, I'm learning to not question how things happen and how they turn up. I'm just going with it.

6) I knit my first scarf. I've yet to wear it. I plan on crocheting a second scarf as soon as I figure out which yarn I want to buy. I know -- this is riveting information.

7) My secret dream is to take a year off of work and just read every single one of the books on my shelf that I have meant to read, but haven't gotten to yet. I buy books A LOT. And sometimes they sit on my shelf waiting for me to fondle their pages. I would like a year off work to do that.

Well, there it is folks. Seven things you wish you never knew about me. In my defense, I'm feeling quite ill and it's past 4 in the morning and my mind feels kinda mushy and I should really go and take some more cold medicine so I'm nice and drugged up for my students in about 4 hours time.

I should have taken the day off. I'm going to go sob in my pillow now.

It's Time

If you've been following me for awhile, then you know of my struggles with my body.

Weight gain. Weight loss. Work out. Throw up. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would still be facing the issues that I faced as a teenager. That at my age I still don't have a handle on it.

But at the same time, how could it be otherwise? How could I have it under control when the thoughts that swim in my head are you're too fat or you're not good enough or eat up fatty you have no willpower.

This mentality of mine has put a screeching halt on my willingness to have fun in life. It's not that I don't have fun, it's just that I limit myself with the fun I could have.

I'm going to Cuba in 7 weeks.

Even though I still don't have a healthy mental outlook, I'll be damned if I let it get in the way of me having my kind of fun.

No more.

Oldie

Here is something I wrote two years ago. Fuck, that's a long time.


It Started Over Coffee

They sat across from each other, both hands holding onto their respective styrofoam cups full of scalding distraction in case their conversation could only take them so far. That first shared cup of coffee could be one of many or the one and only.

They asked about each other’s lives, listening with cocked head, wide-eyes and a small smirk. Nodding when it was called for. Laughing when given the cue. Receptive to each other’s body language to no end. But that cup of coffee was not being surrendered. It was being held onto for dear life. Occasionally being carried up to meet a pair of lips. Never too far up to lose their gaze. Sometimes intent. Sometimes full of timidity. But never losing interest.

They reeked of a first date. It was formal, yet hopeful. Stories that were shared were told in sweeping gestures. Not revealing too much, but revealing just enough. Perhaps just what was needed to replace a feigned interest with something more genuine. More inviting. Alluring. It looked as if something could come of this innocent cup of coffee. Perhaps this was a relationship in the making.

“Tall non-fat latte.”

This simple phrase snapped me back into reality … my reality. And as I walked away clutching my own cup of coffee, I threw a last look over my shoulder at these two people taking a chance with each other, and wondered what 2008 had in store for them.




EDIT: So, I wrote this based on observation. Weirdly enough, I met the woman in my story about 6 months after this was written. She's a teacher, as well, and we happened to take the same professional development course at the same time. I knew it was her because I remembered her face well. Regarding this guy, there was no match. At least I know how the story ended.

Just Thinking

I think there's been some sort of misconception the whole world over.

For years and years, it seems that people are looking for the one who will make them happy. And even when they think they've found that special someone, it usually turns out that there is something that comes up that contradicts the whole theory of having that person for their happiness.

Yeah, at the beginning it's fantastic and new and wonderful and can't get enough of each other and holy shit I can't stop smiling this is what it must mean to be the happiest person in the world.

But something happens. Boredom might seep in again ... monotony. Same old same old shows its face again. The relationship just exists.

I don't know. It's just sad.

Why don't more people realize that you don't find someone to make yourself happy ... YOU make YOURSELF happy and then the person who is there gets to come along for the hilarious ride.

Pomplamoose

Oh, hey.

Do you know these guys?

No? Well you should. They are awesome and their covers are incredible. Their originals are as well.

They are both so super talented.

They play ALL of the instruments themselves.

Her voice is like smooth honey pouring down your spine, crawling into your axons and firing off insane amounts of pleasure to every part of your body.

At least that's how I'd describe it.

Oh, and you're welcome.

A Short One

It's so hard to stay positive all the time.

It's so hard to not expect things from people all the time. Expectations are just one huge disappointment after another.

I find that lately whenever doubts creep into my head (about anything at all), Journey starts singing me their most famous song, and in particular, the line:

"Don't stop ... believing. Hang on to that feeling."

Never fails. And it's only that line which runs through my head, over and over again, as if the record player is skipping ... small town girls and city boys have nothing to do with it in my head. And there are definitely no trains involved.

It's like my anthem; my brain giving me a little pep talk in the form of song. And I suppose it would only work through music. If my head tried to tell me its words of encouragement, it would just blend in with all the words of frustration that are already occupying that space.

So, thanks brain. Even though you're the one who puts those doubts in my mind, you're starting to pull me out of that as well.

Hopefully, I won't need to hear the rustle of discouraging thoughts for the song to come into my head.

Hopefully, sometime soon, I will just hear the song.

Sometimes Words Just Don't Get It

Sometimes there are no words to say. Not for lack of them, but because they all seem like the wrong ones. 

And, instinctively, my tongue bites them back so that they are not left lingering in the air before us. 

So, in instances like that, when I feel that what I have to say just simply will not do, I will give you a small smile.

It is said that a smile can speak a thousand different languages and can reach the depths of the soul. That one simple action can say in a million different ways that which my mind wants to say, but can't articulate. 

So I smile. And in that smile I am telling you that I love you. I am here for you. I understand.