Thought Of The Day

Either I can wait for something to "click" in my head, or I can just turn on the fucking switch.

I guess it all boils down to which is the harder task.

Waiting? Or doing?

Feeling All Symptomy

Swine Flu is in full effect in my parts of the world.

Just last week someone in my town died from it. Also, I found out that someone in my school has it.

So naturally, when I see that my nose has become sniffly and stuffed and my eyelids are all droopy with fatigue, I took a gander at the symptoms.

Nothing that isn't considered to be out of the ordinary with a regular flu (only difference is that this is a new strain).

I did come across this, however:

Serious Swine Flu Symptoms

More serious symptoms that would indicate that a child with swine flu would need urgent medical attention include:

• Fast breathing or trouble breathing
• Bluish or gray skin color
• Not drinking enough fluids
• Severe or persistent vomiting
• Not waking up or not interacting
• Being so irritable that the child does not want to be held
• Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough

I'm a little concerned with the fifth bullet point, because doesn't that mean you are dead? Or unconscious? Or dying? Or have seen the light?

I'm sure I just have the common cold. My moms just got over something so, no doubt, she gave me what she had.

I just couldn't have picked a worse time for me to be feeling under the weather what with the reporting of the children's progress I need to be working on and all.

Sigh.

Hello, November.

Another weekend wasted away.

Why does it always seem that I wait until approximately 8pm on Sunday evening before I even crack open any marking (grading)?

My mind is elsewhere. I could give two fucks about the Halloween stories that I need to edit. If I had the money, I would seriously look into hiring a personal assistant that could do my shopping, cleaning and marking.

Hmm, I wonder if I should put out an ad on Craigslist and see if there are any takers? Just for fun. Compensation could be negotiated.

Perhaps ...

If only ...

Guys, it's November. What the hell?! How is it Novemeber? How has ANOTHER year gone by? God, how I hate these stupid open-ended questions.

I am just sometimes overwhelmed at how sometimes it feels like the days will never pass, and before I know, it's been months.

As some of you know, it's been a bit of a tough year for me. Kind of emotionally draining. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to this time of the year because I knew that I'd be over it.

I don't like to talk about it much on here, but this year has kicked me in the ass and forced me to grow up a little and it seems that I've moved into a more spiritual realm of being (not to be confused with religious).

I don't let things get to me as much as I used to. I don't take things or comments directed at me as seriously. And if I do, then I get over it fast. Like, super fast. Faster than Superman flying around the world. Okay, not that fast, but you get the picture.

As much as this year was shitty, I needed it. It's funny how it's always the hard times that make you a stronger person in life.

It's only going to get better.

And I know now that if it's not okay, then it's not the end. This is what keeps me going.

Jumbled Thought Clouds

I think a boy at my school likes me.

I should probably mention (if you didn't already know) that I'm not a high school or elementary student but, in fact, a teacher.

Also, the boy who might like me is also a teacher at my school. I like to keep things nice and legal on my end.

So, yeah. I think a boy at my school likes me.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this.

I'm pretty sure he's younger than me by about 3 or 4 years. He kind of reminds me of a Jim Halpert only more awkward. It almost makes me wish The Office was aired when Jim and Pam first met and not three years later. Because I usually compare my love life to that of fictional characters.

I think he's the kind of guy that I could like in time. It's not one of those holyshithitsyouintheface type of likes.

He stayed with me after school today to keep me company while I waited for an after school event to start at 6pm. Okay, he didn't stay just for me. He was doing stuff for his class and we ran into each other around 5ish and from then on he stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone. Also, we found out we live near each other and he offered to car pool with me to a series of seminars that we need to go to throughout the year. The first one being next Friday. HE'S COMING TO MY HOUSE TO PICK ME UP IN THE MORNING. He kind of put me in a corner with that one so I said okay. But I don't know if it's okay. I hope it's okay. And it will force me to get to know him a bit better.

Oh, dear. I don't know how I feel about this.

I mean, I always said I would want to get to know a guy on a friend level before anything would develop romantically and I always imagined that I would meet someone at work (and partly the reason why I changed schools), but I did not anticipate something happening so quickly.

AND HERE I AM JUMPING AHEAD OF MYSELF. We barely know each other and I'm thinking he wants to date me. GET A GRIP, ME!!

But, he did ask if I had a boyfriend. Okay I'm stopping now.

Off

Sometimes, and I don't know why I do this, I ignore phone messages or email messages from people and wait until I feel I am ready to return the gesture.

I don't even read it or listen to it. It will be sitting in my inbox, unread or unheard, for as long as I feel necessary, until I am ready to read/listen and respond to it.

There's no reason for it. It's not like I'm ignoring the person. I don't even know what to say beyond that. 

It's just one of those things I go through every so often.

Vacation Relations

I used to scoff at the idea of the show The Bachelor. How could someone get so carried away so quickly? Love?? There is no way you could love someone after such a short period of knowing them. Please.

But if there is one thing that my Greece vacation has taught me, it's that I can understand how participants on The Bachelor can get so swept away so easily.

Think about it. You are in a foreign land. You are doing things that you don't normally do in your every day life. You are most likely in a place where the weather is gorgeous 99% of the time and your tan is giving you that perfect glow.

You are feeling good about yourself ... you are relaxing, life is great and there are no worries. Cue the bachelor. Who is also on vacation, which means that their life is awesome too. No deadlines looming ahead. No everyday mundane distractions. The only thing that might be of worry is if the extra tzaziki sauce will be noticeable in your bikini.

On vacation, the day is yours to spend it as you please. You can do nothing all day or see the sights. And if you happen to meet a cutie that shares your hotel, well who's to say that you can't spend every waking minute with that person??

So think about it ... two weeks vacation, 24 hours are YOURS to do whatever you please ... it shouldn't come as a shock that if you spend your 24 hours with one special person, that you two will get close real fast. I'm not just talking physically ... but RELATIONSHIPLY close!

Starting a relationship on vacation seems to automatically kick things into high gear and you start to feel things faster than you normally would.  So, in essence, spending 5 days with someone while on vacation would be equivalent to spending 5 months with them in the real world. And 5 months is a long time.

My point to this is that never will I doubt if the feelings on The Bachelor are the real deal, because chances are that they are. 

I would know.  

Revealing

As "anonymous" as I am on here (and if you read my blog and have access to my facebook page, then I haven't done a really good job of being incognito), I still find that I censor myself on this blog.

There are so many things that I would love to write about, but I feel like I can't for fear of being judged by you "real" people. And it sucks.

I'm not perfect. But I feel like I shouldn't really air out my insecurities or my setbacks. I don't know why. Some might think that it's because I feel the need to "look" a certain way, but the truth is, the more I reveal, the more you are in my head and the more vulnerable I am. Not even that ... I know that people go through rough patches and I just don't want sympathy, I suppose. It's one of the many reasons I've turned my comments back off.

It's a weakness is what it is. And I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Something that I've been dealing with for about 15 years now. It feels like there is no end in sight.

All I know is that I'm sitting here, drinking hot lemon water in the hopes that the hot liquid will break up the food more quickly in my stomach so it will come back up more easily. And this is what I think about most nights.

TMI ... I know. But it's what I deal with all the time. And it's hard keeping it hidden from everyone I know. I don't know that I want to face this monster alone anymore.

Nobody Could Scat Like Ella

Immersed

The moment you are in now always seems like the one that will last forever. Anticipating things to be any different than they are right now, in this moment, is seemingly impossible.

It can be the best feeling in the world to think that you are in a perfect time and that it will never end. Sometimes, when I find myself in that moment, I hang onto it and memorize it and keep it somewhere safe in a corner in my mind, so that when I am in a place where it feels a little more lonely than usual, I can pull that memory and bask in it for as long as I need.

I do this now because I have learned that good times may go away. It doesn't mean that they won't come back, but things don't last. And the good in our lives isn't an exception.

Had I known then what I know now, I would've been in the moment a lot more and worried a lot less. But I've learned my lesson now and now is all that matters. Any thing that makes me smile or laugh ... any moment (because we all know that things can't make us happy), I imprint it into my whole being so that I can live in that moment any time that I need to.

And also so that I can have a better idea of where to find it again in new experiences.

Unsure

Nothing makes me feel more old than when I contact an old friend I fell out of touch with and find out that he's now a husband AND father.

And here I am, still clippety-clapping away at this keyboard on this here blog feeling like nothing has really changed much on my end.

I know that the two are mutually exclusive, and I wouldn't give up the blog if I became a wife or mother, but it just feels weird. The last time I spoke to him, I was blogging on my first blog 3 years ago. And now, he's married with a kid. And I've given birth to this new blog.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I knew him when he was in his early twenties and I just never could see him in the capacity that he's in now. I mean husband and father comes with lots of responsibilities and while I'm not saying he's not a responsible guy ... I just never pictured it. And I hate to say it, but things didn't change much three years ago, which is probably why it had been so long since I decided to contact him again.

Or maybe, I just never pictured him married with a kid before me.

As happy as I am for him, my initial thought was, "NOOOOOOO!!! You're only 30!! How could you have tied yourself down so soon!!?!?!?!"

Which is fucked up because a lot of people think, "30!!?!?!?! HOW ARE YOU NOT MARRIED WITH A KID!?!?!"

But who is right? Am I a failure because I'm nowhere close to where he is at? Will I be a failure if I never get to where he is at? These are the things I think about. I say I would like for that to happen to me, but my actions are not in line with those thoughts. And it's not that I'm miserable because of it, but sometimes I have to wonder what it is I'm actually moving towards.

Right now, my main goal is wondering what to have for lunch. I'm not thinking of anyone else. And when I think of this old friend, and I wonder what he's thinking of now, he's probably wondering about his son and if he's sleeping or eating or how many shits he's had today. Which, as gross as it is, seems like some pretty good thought bubbles to have following you around.

Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself as I usually am when I think that I am moving forward but then feel like I've been standing still when I see how light years ahead some people are compared to me.

Instinct

Sometimes I will say one thing and then do another. I get these urges that come out of nowhere and in no way match the frequency of the thoughts that I consciously put out there.

Sometimes I follow through with the urges and other times I talk them through in order to make some sense of them. I try not to judge them or wonder where they come from, because obviously they are coming from me and I wouldn't do anything to hurt me intentionally.

It's almost like I need to force myself to go through my day to day acts of life, but then a contradictory thought will come about, and I will act upon it without so much as a bat of an eyelid. It's strange. But I'm learning to trust it.

I'm hoping that in the long run, it will be worth the pain that it might cause now.